Bree!

Ah, another episode that will provide future psychologists with publicly broadcasted male inexpressiveness. Let us begin with the scene where Heidi is having "the talk" with Spencer. Not believable. Homeboy has a future in professional gambling, cause you know if your gf was hinting that a zygote was a-brewin' in her belly, you'd sh*t a brick. Especially if you are a self-proclaimed player in your early twenties, and you just dropped a wad of cash on laser teeth whitening. After Heidi tells him she isn't pregnant, he frowns and says he's irritated. Whatevs.

Because Spencer is such a winner, Heidi sets Lauren up with his winner-friend, Brody Jenner. Which brings me to the Quote of the Episode: "He's been touched by Kristin, he's tainted!" - Lauren.

Is it just me, or is Brody' hair kinda puffy? And is he wearing mascara in that second pic? He spits out trite compliments like "I just like to see you smile." I don't mean to be unreasonbly cruel, but I feel strangely protective of Lauren.

Hilarious and humanizing is the scene in which Lauren brings to our attention that her smile is straight... not curvy. Do you even get what I'm saying here? I just opened photobooth and tried to Lauren-smile  but it is physically impossible.

K I just spent way too on that note.

Lauren redeems herself in this episode by making good with LA Bikini Designer Ashley Paige. Paige makes a lot of b*tchy, hot-shot remarks on camera before any praise comes Lauren's way , though.

I generally DONT like Audrina because she appears to be an overglamourized brunette robot, but she straight hung up on Spencer this episode, I felt like animated pink hearts where eminating from my being. Cl-lick. Audrina - 1, Spencer - 0.

Before I end this tantalizing recap, I want to ask one question-- are your friends as blindly unsupportive as The Hills cast? Seriously, the girls get one bouquet of freeway flowers or what I imagine to be a few primely scheduled call-backs and the rest of the crew is like OMGHELOVESYOU.

A couple years ago I had a brief fling with a guy who had a wallet chain, and holy sh*t, the teasing lasted much longer than the relationship (He was a tool, so no "OMGHOWSHALLOW cmntz, thx). And when I told one of my best friends that my current boyfriend dropped the "L" bomb, she gushed for about 30 seconds, then demanded to know method of delivery, context, and my reaction. But I am older-- maybe your friends just blow when your 20?

Obviously, the quality of their conversations or the strength of their friendships isn't what suck people into this show-- I suspect it's their healthy, shiny hair-- but it makes me really grateful for my friends.