The Hills S2, Ep4: Defining "Appropriate" and "Assault"

The title of this episode is "Who Do You Trust?" with the inevitable answer being "NOT DIRTBAG KEN."Anyway. In the opening scene, Heidi tells Lauren she is planning to meet Audrina for lunch and applauds herself a few times for being so grown up-- even though you know its the producers that nudged this reunion into action. Then Heidi goes to work and coworker dude gives her a heads up that someone else in the office think she's dressed inappropriately. She's wearing this silky tank thing that yes, is probably more clubwear than it is professional attire. Please remember this, as it will be important about 4 more sentences from now.

Heidi and Ken have lunch meet for lunch and Ken doesnt react too kindly to the news that Heidi & Audrina may repair their friendship (less play for Ken, then! Sniffle.) Then (of course) he redirects with cheese, rapid firing compliments that we've all heard before.

Then Ken makes the ULTIMATE jerkface move and bitches out the "intern" who gave Heidi the heads up on her slutwear. Like, SRSLY B*TCHES HIM OUT... in a really sissy way. "MY GIRLFRIEND DRESSES CUTE EVERY DAY! HOW DARE YOU SAY ANYTHING. SHE IS SO CUTE. EVERYONE THINKS SHES CUTE"

I was SO incredibly embarrassed for him, I literally pulled a blanket over my head. Obvi, the mentally challenged Spencer thinks "Inappropriate" is a synonym for "Wal-Mart Clearance Rack." I mean, seriously-- my patent leather Steven Madden heels are cute, but that doesn't mean they're APPROPRIATE for the elliptical at Bally's. Sh*t. So he's getting in poor co-workers face and coworker is just tryin' to WALK, so he puts his hand out and Ken shouts "ASSAULT!"


Again, I pull the blanket over my head. Could he GET any more ridiculous? Co-worker finally gets by and then mutters "what a tool" under his breath. Ken FREAKS out. "You're gonna call me a TOOL?! You're gonna call somebody a tool IN L.A.?! 

I really didn't understand his emphasis at this point. Is "tool" a geographically specific insult? Is it like saying "Damn 909-er." Or "Ew, Chino" on the OC? I don't know. Coworker keeps walking and Ken taunts "Walk in front of a car, walk in front of a car!" (wtf?) before he delivers his final insult: SEE YOU IN THE CLUB!

At which point I imagine them both in silk, half-unbuttoned shirts have a furious danceoff.

Tool.

Cut to Heidi & Lauren having a heart-to-heart, during which Heidi utters the words that every girl who has ever been cheated on has also uttered: "You just don't understand-- You're not there when were alone." Sigh.

In the next scene, Ken is rocking the neck bling again, and checking his MySpace. Brody asks him how many friend requests he has and he flashes that cocky self-assured smile and says "Not enough, my friend. But the ladies looooove me."

Lets take a time out to visit Ken's myspace. You can buy the Princes of Malibu DVD! You know, the show that was on like, twice, but was such a phenomenal failure Fox pulled it? Yeah! Woo! You can also purchase your Team Heidi t-shirts for $19.99.

Moving right along. The Playboy Playmates show up @ Brody's apartment, and Ken toasts to "The Most Beautiful Human Beings I've Ever Been Around" which means "You look like what I would have looked like if I was born a girl, and had breast augmentation!" Little does he know Heidi "missed her flight" and would be showing up at the club, too. Disaster is so obvious at this point.

Ken talks naked picnics and Vegas marriage with the playmates, and when Heidi shows up, he STILL tries to juggle all the girls! D*ck move, Ken, d*ck move.

Then Heidi and Lauren dramatically exit the club (where a cab is always magically waiting, because that doesnt happen in LA) and go home and sob. Lauren screams at Ken on the phone but she is so non-threatening you just want to pinch her nose and say "Aw, you're cute when you're mad!"

It's sad that Heidi is all heartbroken, but I couldnt help be happy that she would finally break up with Ken... except his MySpace is evidence to the contrary.