Bree!

We open with a Lauren/Heidi heart to heart, in which Heidi confesses she's giving Spencer another chance. Lauren is NOT pleased, and tells her she sees so many "Jason" qualities in Spencer, that he also plays "Mind tricks." It would've been funny if she said "Jedi mind tricks" but we all know none of The Hills boyzzz are that cool. And please, Spencer Pratt makes Jason Whaler seem like an angel-- he was dumb, but not conniving. Or am I remembering him wrong? Secondly, girls, please note that whispering cliche sweet nothings and buying flowers don't qualify as "mind tricks."

Heidi is all "It's DIFFERENT" but Lauren doesn't give her any leeway. I almost give her a "you go girl" cheer, but then I remember she's dating Brody Jenner. Heidi defeatedly says "Whos to say he can't change?" while Lauren envisions beating him over his gelled head with a stick until all his prick-qualities go away. Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and give Lauren props-- for breaking the blindly supportive habit and being a real, honest friend. Sometimes people on reality TV don't come across as real, as people you'd want to be friends with, and for once, Lauren really does. She tells Heidi she'll be there for her when he screws her over, because, she says definitively, he will. Heidi is pissed.

Heidi meets Spencer at Bread Bar where he hands her a bouquet of red roses, which he says he broke the piggy bank for. Heidi tells him her issues with Lauren are stressing him out, and he says "Gawwwwd I wish I hadn't been such a jerk to begin with, it would've made your life easier" blah blah blah "Does she know how much I love you?" At which point I throw up in my mouth a little. Then, absent any actual expression or vocal emphasis, he goes "I don't think people get it, Heidi is my number one." Heidi says "You have to prove yourself to everybody." Spencer says "Yeah... good luck" which I guess means he was talking to himself? Then he says something about a slumber party and I feel ill, because I don't want to picture those two mating.

Heidi takes the flowers home and tells Lauren that Spencer got them for HER (what a lying hobag!) and Lauren delivers a zinger: "Is he gonna give them to Audrina tomorrow?" Heidi coos, in all seriousness, that they're just for her. After some comment about turkey and some cat-petting, awkwardness abounds. Heidi packs and leaves her her "slumber party." Ew.

Lauren goes to Audrina's where after Lauren discovers they're "eating at the table" says "Look at us adults!" Wtf? How is eating at a table indicative of maturity? Do you eat standing up until you're 18? Or perhaps she was referring to the reheating of the lasagna-- microwave usage= totally grown up. They play with their hair incessantly and talk about how Heidi is doomed.


Lauren goes to Teen Vogue, where more hair-playing takes place (really, it's starting to look a little OCD at this point) and more Heidi-talk ensues. Cut to Spencer and Heidi strolling down the street, Heidi trying to coerce him to go to the club with Lauren & her, but he goes "Ehhh, I really don't like the girl." Heidi pleas that she needs more girl time and that she doesn't want to cut her friends out of her life-- which is, of course, exactly what Spencer wants.

The Club scene: Heidi says "Let's grow up. There was a lot of miscommunication. I'm sick of fighting. Let's have some fun!" and there's a perfect shot of her fake smile, and then a microexpression of her looking defeated and desperate. Brody is rockin' the neck bling again-- I think I'd kind of miss if we went a whole episode without the neck bling. Lauren&Heidi are having "girl time" while Spencer is all up on another girl. But the worst is this:


Oh no he di-int. Lauren tries to drag Heidi out but Spencer grabs her and says "We're so making peace." Lauren says she's not gonna watch Heidi get used, not gonna watch him hit on other girls every night. To which Spencer replies "Heidi knows everything. Heidi gets who I am. We understand eachother." O RLY? Heidi would be ok with watching another girl licking your neck and you... uh, doing whatever those ****'s were covering up?


Ooooh, five feet. Way to keep your distance, bro.

Lauren goes to Brody's condo and b*tches him out for having a sh*tty best friend. Then Spencer & Brody pow-wow and make you hate the male population just a little more. Then Spencer gossips to Heidi, blah blah. Lauren can't think. Lauren is pained. Even though a dude from Project Runway is her teacher.

Heidi and Lauren have the "You Have Chosen" conversation. BTW, their apartment is messy is all hell. Heidi is such a wench. She totally puts Spencer over Lauren. Lauren looks like she's gonna cry, and then Heidi reveals that the flowers were a joke, which is like a suckerpunch finale to that conversation. Heidi packs her suitcase and flees.